The DIRECTOR OF CONTROVERSY

When the 2007/08 off season commenced, the NRL is reported to have hired a pony tailed GURU carrying an MBA to purportedly improve the management systems of the league. The first thing the management guru looked at was the role of the Director of Controversy. Convinced he was a dinosaur and basically redundant, the NRL Board summoned the director to tell him his services weren’t required.
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The Director’s response, was a short sharp “get f*6ckd”.
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The Director immediately was approached by Cricket Australia, desperate to create some interest into the then upcoming series between Australia and India. Cricket Australia was fearful the series would be a bore, the Indians would get thrashed and no one would turn up.
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How wrong they were.
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The first thing the Director of Controversy did was tell Ponting, Clarke and Symonds that under no circumstances were they to walk, irrespective of how obviously out they were. And recognising that Symonds was once interested in playing league for the Broncos, he knew immediately he had something to work with. Particularly given the Indian fans and possibly Harbijaan Singh, had  previously called him a “monkey”. He also knew Harbijaan Singh was a hot head, and he could easily be provoked into something controversial.
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So it was relatively easy for the Director of Controversy to start stoking the fires, and before you knew it, the Australia v India cricket series was ablaze with controversy at every turn. Culminating in the 2nd one day final with Symonds shoulder charging a streaker in true rugby league fashion, to howls of protest from special interest groups looking to preserve the rights of those who choose to be exhibitions of softness.
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Here’s a tip for streakers, if you are going to run onto a major sporting arena wearing nothing but your birthday suit and a stubby holder as a wrist band, don’t run into the biggest and only bloke on the field who has trained with an NRL club and who at one stage was considered a chance to play league professionally (with the Broncos). As Zorba Peters said on 2KY, “Symonds has played rugby league and didn’t it show”. Streakers should choose either a Rugby Union Player (shoulder charges being unknown in that code) or a skinny Indian instead. The worst that will happen is the Indians will cry “outrage”, complain to the ICC and then threaten to go home.

Rugby Union- Can it Survive?

The Rugby Union has just completed what was probably the most boring exhibition of softness since Mr Whippy decided to sell choc tops to unsuspecting Sydney children in the 60’s. ie the 2007 Rugby World Cup. It was so bad, the Super 14 has had to change the rules. Only problem is we now have the distinct possibility the Tri Nations and other internationals will be played under the old rules whilst Southern hemisphere club and provincial rugby is played under the ELV’s.
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Over the weekend Johnny Wilkinson was awarded the highest scoring rugby player ever. A billion penalty goals, no tackles and a couple of tries. A great effort.
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As far as controversy is concerned, genuine attempts were made at improvement. But not enough as we shall see, when compared to what league can produce.
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In a half baked attempt at generating interest in a game spiralling into irrelevance, the Western Force Super 14 decided Quokka throwing would be a good way to get some sort of profile.
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Soon thereafter, suggestions resurfaced that Parramatta Leagues and Penrith Leagues would be willing to fund a second Sydney Western franchise in the Super 14. Problem was this was some fictional delusion of another pony tailed marketing soft c)(ck from the ARU, SuggestionS Big Denis Fitzgerald replied “you are F..ng kidding, why would I invest in that?” are well wide of the mark.
Finally we had the Matt Henjak debacle, seeing him breaking the jaw of an unsuspecting team mate in a fairly good display of off field atrocity. Poor Matt was exited stage left from the 15 man a side code. Matt Henjak has made a cry for help and no one has listened. He is a player afflicted with a rugby league brain stuck in a rugby union body. Yet rugby league inexplicably don’t want him despite his obvious potential to generate controversy. the question is why? He would be a standout.
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Two Gigs for the Director of Controversy
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Recognising the risk that AFL or Soccer might turn on their patch, the NRL around late 07 immediately sacked the pony tailed GURU , and reinstated the Director of Controversy. He was given two car spaces for his Rugby League Motors modified Hummer, and was soon working two gigs, one for Cricket Australia and the other for the NRL.
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And he sure didn’t disappoint with his NRL work. Here is a list of some well constructed controversy this off season, the sort of stuff the other codes would die for but are fundamentally too soft to implement:
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1. Jonathon Thurston found asleep in the gutter at 4am on a Monday Morning in Townsville;

2. November 07, Mark Riddell Glassed and Tigers Benji Marshall and Todd Payton also involved in some incident at the same time, at an Eastern Suburbs hotel.
3. Doggy Ben Roberts, involved in a fight with bouncers at a Woolongong nightclub

4. NQ Cowboy David Faiumu assault allegations. David Faiumu was accused of an alleged assault in Rockhampton in reportedly attacking national swimmer Ash Anderson outside a Subway restaurant leaving him facing the possibility of permanent damage to his face.  Mr Anderson claimed he was punched once in the face, the blow fracturing his cheekbone and right eye socket before he hit his head and blacked out. He also said he had 9mm plate had been inserted permanently into his right eye socket and was worried he may suffer paralysis on one side of his face. As Peter Badel reported on January 05, 2008 in the Courier Mail. Faiumu’s lawyer, Campbell Maccallum, said his client was innocent. “Apparently there was one punch thrown but Dave feels he has done nothing wrong,” he said. “He (Faiumu) says he was in the vicinity of the incident but rejects totally the notion that he gratuitously bashed anyone.”

5. Two Chooks in a scuffle-  Glenn Jackson | February 11, 2008 – Telegraph. Young Roosters Shaun Kenny-Dowall and Setaimata Sa were involved in a fight with up to 10 other men at a fast-food restaurant, apparently the odds were clealry stacked against the 10 men, when one was left in hospital and the rest ran for the lives, failing to recognise the NRL code – “you may get away with it on the street, but it won’t cut it in first grade”.

6. Knights Terrence Seu Seu sacked after being charged with allegations of assault in August 07, and allegedly blowing a mid range PCA on Sunday evening 2 March 2008.

7.  Willie Mason fined for urinating in public. By Steve Jancetic
February 19, 2008 SMH – following an incident at night in which they allegedly urinated on the side of a road. But let’s face it, who hasn’t done that?
 

8. Greg Inglis injured in hotel altercation after Storm trial;

And then of course we had the Gun fight at the OK Corral explosion with the Telegraph Headlines :
9.“NRL GUNFIGHT” TELEGRAPH 4 MARCH 2008.
Here’s how Reporter Josh Massoud of the telegraph  saw the incident:
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10.30pm Sunday Jarryd Hayne and others leave the cricket one day final on a Sunday evening.
12am, they leave the Golden Sheaf  Hotel at Double bay and head for the Cross;
1am, Hayne and Ors meet up with Willie Mason and Mark Gasnier;
3.30am Gasnier and Hayne allegedly refused entry to the Vegas Hotel;
3.45am Gasnier has altercation and leaves. Hayne and Ors see man allegedly involved in the incident at McDonalds. Minor scuffle ensures;
4.20am Hayne & Ors look for taxi. Man alleged to be involved in the incident drives past and fires a shot in their general direction;
Hayne and Ors then hide in nearby car park for 20 minutes before calling police.
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On Tuesday 5 March 2008, we were greeted with these headlines in the SMH:
Death threats target Mason and Riddell
Glenn Jackson | March 5, 2008

“NRL stars Willie Mason and Mark Riddell have received death threats in a disturbing development in the shooting drama that had Jarryd Hayne last night admitting he was still “rattled”.”

“..Riddell and Mason were both out with the Eels players on the night in question,”.

“..Hayne spoke of his ordeal last night, admitting he had been “rattled”. “I’m really everywhere at the moment,” Hayne said. “I’m just rattled. I just want to get my head in a clear direction and I might say something more in a couple of days.”

“…It is understood the Eels are considering offering counselling for the players involved in the shooting…”

“..There were also suggestions that Riddell and skipper Nathan Cayless were involved in an altercation while drinking well before the shooting. It was also suggested Mason had to break up the two players. Riddell said he and the front-rower had not clashed but he admitted some skylarking may have been misrepresented.

“I’ve got no idea where it’s come from,” the hooker said. “Me and Nathan were together with all the blokes. I left just after midnight and I spoke to Nathan just before he left a half hour after me. ‘Mase’ rang me just before and he didn’t know anything about it.”

Riddell said he spoke to Cayless yesterday: “We were laughing on the phone. We had no idea. I just think because of what’s happened with ‘Hayney’, someone thought we were serious. That’s the only thing I can put it down to.”

Cayless said there was “nothing to it”. “[It was] just a bit of geeing up between mates,” he said.

This of course is all sensational stuff.
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All of these individuals have exhibited the makings of Controversy Supremos for some time now. Hayne was the bloke who bit the girl at Hooters. Mason and Gasnier were involved in the Origin debacle some years back, Gasnier having issues with misuse of the mobile phone. Riddell isn’t far from the action either (and by the way doesn’t he look like the actor playing Carl Williams in Underbelly – dead ringer- only now it looks like piggy Riddell might be playing underbelly roles for keeps – given the death threats and all!).
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The Director of Controversy simply said 15 cases of Bollinger and 15 cases of Johnnie Walker Blue all round. We’ve earned it. NRL is on top in this town. You can’t get better profile than this. Front, back and mid pages of every major newspaper in the Country. SENSATIONAL. And we haven’t even had an Origin camp yet.
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PRE SEASON TIP FOR THE PREMIERSHIP
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As in prior years, the Sea Eagle puts his analysis on the line to predict the winner. Last year’s efforts by the Sea Eagle being nothing short of sensational. The Sea Eagle exclusively predicting Penrith to win, only to see them get the spoon. Let’s hope 2008 fares a little bit better.
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So here goes.
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Rule 1. Eliminate any team coached by or previously coached by the Dark Force (aka Coach Brian Smith). No team has ever won a comp after Coach Smith has arrived t wield his handiwork. By bye St George, Souths (yes he coached U23’s there as well), Parramatta and Newcastle. Excluding Parramatta at this stage is really quite difficult, as they have a good squad and a super coach in Hagan. If Hagan gets them home that will put him in the Number 1 spot as they only known cure for DFI infected clubs. Still, is anyone prepared to risk it?
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Rule 2. Eliminate any team coached by a former Schoolteacher. By Bye the Cowboys, Manly and Newcastle (they are really gone with DFI in control AND Smith being a former teacher).Yes, it hurts to include Des Hasler in this group. No one tries as hard as Des to win. His effort cannot be criticised. But it seems school teacher coaches struggle to win premierships. And the Sea Eagle does not know why (although he does have theories).
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Rule 3. Eliminate the loser in the last year’s GF. Yes – the Storm overturned that theory last year, but does anyone think Manly with a former teacher coach will be able to do it as well? That’s two strikes against Manly and as you will see below, there a potentially a few more when DFI is considered.
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Rule 4. Eliminate clubs with a strong presence of DFI infected players (ie those who have at some stage been coached by Brian Smith). Parramatta have plenty. As do Newcastle. Manly have 2 (Perry &, Lyon).
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But as Josh Perry did play for Newcastle in the 2001 GF against the Eels,  does this counteract the DFI? Is Perry the saviour, being the only player at Manly to have won a comp in the least 8 years? Let’s hope so. But that’s a very big burden to carry with a team having a former school teacher coach, DFI infected Lyon and the Protected Species.
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Rule 5. Eliminate last year’s wooden spooner. Has any team won the year after getting the spoon? Bye Bye Penrith.
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Rule 6. Eliminate any team with any strong North Sydney influence. Bye Bye Souths. Coach Jason Taylor has the stench of the bear, and by the way, he was the Dark Force’s assistant coach at the Eels and played half in for the Eels in 2001 – now infamously known as the bunny in the headlights GF debacle.
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Rule 7. Eliminate any team who has not won a GF. Bye Bye Cronulla, Warriors and the Titans. Sure, the Titans may get there one day, but is year 2 of their history the year? The Sea Eagle thinks not. The Warriors are a bunch of Kiwis, so why take the risk. And the Sharks, well there is no need to take any risks with them. Done nothing ever. And Coach Stuart has shown that his GF record ain’t that flash (1/4 as a coach and losing 3 in a row – 2003,2004 and 2005 with the same club).
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So that leaves:
Brisbane, Easts, Wests, Dogs,  Canberra, Melbourne
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That realistically allows us to easily eliminate Canberra.
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And so we have the usual suspects- Brisbane, Easts, Wests, Dogs,  Melbourne. Melbourne look good things even allowing for their player loss. Brisbane are rebuilding as are the Dogs . Easts have bought keenly and Wests might surprise. According to Sportingbet – Melbourne are $3.50, Brisbane $11, Easts $12, Wests $34, Dogs $21.
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For value, the Sea Eagle says Wests at $34 but for a tip on form (and there is none without a ball kicked in 08), it’s the News Limited owned Melbourne to win the comp News half owns, ie the News Limited Cup.
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The Sea Eagle intends to have a little wager on Wests at those juicy odds. Which no doubt given last year’s debacle with the Panthers will guarantee them the spoon (Sportingbet is also offering odds of $9.00 for the Tigers to take that most horrible of prizes).
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One can only marvel at what season 2008 will bring if the off season is any guide. One thing’s for sure, controversy will be everywhere, despite futile attempts to snuff it out.
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Over the coming weeks we will look closely at whether Coach Smith will leave us for good, and which school teacher coach will Wayne Bennet replace – Murray or Smith?
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Protected species- 24 NRL rounds until off contract.

The Sea Eagle